acidpope

Your life is a movie. Simply pick the best song for each field.

Opening Credits: Red Sparowes - The Great Leap Forward Poured Down Upon Us One Day Like A Mighty Storm Suddenly And Furiously Blinding Our Senses

Waking Up Scene: This Will Destroy You - Quiet

Getting Ready Scene: Arab Strap - Fucking Little Bastards

Car Driving Scene: Up-C Down-C Left-C Right-C ABC + Start - New Year

High School Flashback Scene: 65daysofstatic - Radio Protector

Nostalgic Scene: World's End Girlfriend - Birthday Resistance

Angry Scene: This Ship Will Sink - Forgetting Names And Faces

Agony, Painful Scene: Envy - Thousand Scars

Sad, Breakdown Scene: Two Gallants - Crow Jane

Nightclub/Dance Scene: Mogwai - We're No Here

Buddy/Sidekick Scene: Against Me! - We Laugh At Danger

Dreaming of Someone Scene: Sunny Day Real Estate - In Circles

Love Scene: Explosions in the Sky - Your Hand In Mine

Sex Scene: Sufjan Stevens - For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti

Break-up Scene: In Tongues - Making Of A Tourniquet

Contemplation Scene: Shearwater - Leviathan, Bound

Relaxing Scene: Dirty Three - I Really Should've Gone Out Last Night

Action/Fight Scene: Tragedy - No Words

Victory Scene: Parts And Labor - New Buildings

Closing Credits: The One AM Radio - Away, Into The Light

In this Age of Information, filled with the offspring of the Baby Boomers and Generation X, we have formed a new generation known as the Net Generation. The sad irony of the Age is that it is one of Disinformation for the youth. The old guard aren't fluent with the technology of the day and therefore can't access the wealth of knowledge we youngins are privvy to. Problem is, in all of this, we are fundamentally less intelligent than those that came before us. We are stupid bastards. Literacy is crap and we can retain about as much factual knowledge as a dead wallaby. Where our parents had schooling and rote learning and research in books and the overuse of the Dewey Decimal System, we children of the new millennium have no need for it anymore. I myself have managed to replace buying college course books by using Google. My information floats gently on the top of my cerebral cortex and fails to sink in, spilling out onto the test page the next day. I retain nothing, we all retain nothing. True learning is more difficult because it is so damn easy to make a useable facsimile. My father could answer anything you ask about his fields of study, I can't manage to keep Chinese dynasties in order even though now I've got a degree saying that I can. Life experience and rote learning have gone the way of the Dodo, if all the computers in existence exploded this second we'd all be shit out of luck. We have created a dependency upon our connection to a central body of knowledge. Given an internet hot spot and a Blackberry, we can ascertain any knowledge known to mankind. A powerful device indeed, however I fear that as we antiquate and make obsolete the pen and paper process of learning we will distance ourselves further and further from true intelligence and individual thought. The Age of Information takes away the cognitive process from us, and while we may gain functional thought, we lose what is most important: creative thinking.

My brother, if you have a virtue and she is your virtue, then you have her in common with nobody. To be sure, you want to call her by name and pet her; you want to pull her ear and have fun with her. And behold, now you have her name in common with the people and have become one of the people and herd with your virtue.

You would do better to say, Inexpressible and nameless is that which gives my soul agony and sweetness and is even the hunger of my entrails.

May your virtue be too exalted for the familiarity of names: and if you must speak of her, then do not be ashamed to stammer of her. Then speak and stammer, This is my good; this I love; it pleases me wholly; thus alone do I want the good. I do not want it as divine law; I do not want it as human statute and need: it shall not be a signpost for me to overearths and paradises. It is an earthly virtue that I love: there is little prudence in it, and least of all the reason of all men. But this bird built its nest with me: therefore I love and caress it; now it dwells with me, sitting on its golden eggs. Thus you shall stammer and praise your virtue.

Once you suffered passions and called them evil. But now you have only your virtues left: they grew out of your passions. You commended your highest goal to the heart of these passions: then they become your virtues and passions you enjoyed.

And whether you came from the tribe of the choleric or of the voluptuous or of the fanatic or of the vengeful, in the end all your passions became virtues and all your devils, angels. Once you had wild dogs in your cellar, but in the end they turned into birds and lovely singers. Out of your poisons you brewed your balsam. You milked your cow, melancholy; now you drink the sweet milk of her udder.

And nothing evil grows out of you henceforth, unless it be the evil that grows out of the fight among your virtues. My brother, if you are fortunate you have only one virtue and no more: then you will pass over the bridge more easily. It is a distinction to have many virtues, but a hard lot; and many have gone into the desert and taken their lives because they had wearied of being the battle and battlefield of virtues.

My brother, are war and battle evil? But this evil is necessary; necessary are the envy and mistrust and calumny among your virtues. Behold how each of your virtues covets what is highest: each wants your whole spirit that it might become her herald; each wants your whole strength in wrath, hatred, and love. Each virtue is jealous of the others, and jealousy is a terrible thing. Virtues too can perish of jealousy. Surrounded by the flame of jealousy, one will in the end, like the scorpion, turn one's poisonous sting against oneself. Alas, my brother, have you never yet seen a virtue deny and stab herself? Man is something that must be overcome; and therefore you shall love your virtues, for you will perish of them.

Thus spoke Zarathustra.

“Nothing makes one so vain as being told one is a sinner.”
- Oscar Wilde

[16:34] Christpuncher 85: why does it feel like everything that was amazing about the world is falling away and nothing new is taking it's place?
[16:34] Christpuncher 85: philosophical, i know
[16:34] XavierThirtyTwo: because shit sucks nowadays
[16:34] XavierThirtyTwo: this is the universal truth
[16:35] XavierThirtyTwo: and it has
[16:35] XavierThirtyTwo: and always will
[16:35] XavierThirtyTwo: apply
[16:35] XavierThirtyTwo: what encompasses pop culture will always be defined by 12-17 year old girls
[16:35] XavierThirtyTwo: and
[16:35] XavierThirtyTwo: conversely
[16:36] XavierThirtyTwo: what encompasses subculture
[16:36] XavierThirtyTwo: will always be defined by 20-30 year old men who still live at home and are angry at the world
[16:37] XavierThirtyTwo: in the 80's it was dreamy hair bands and femenist women for pop
[16:37] XavierThirtyTwo: and real metal for the subculture
[16:37] XavierThirtyTwo: in the early 90s it was boy bands and alt rock for the pop culture
[16:37] XavierThirtyTwo: and hardcore/punk for the sub
[16:37] XavierThirtyTwo: late nineties it was hip hop for the pop
[16:38] XavierThirtyTwo: again, 14 year old girls
[16:38] XavierThirtyTwo: indie rock for teh sub
[16:38] XavierThirtyTwo: again, angry 25 year old dudes
[16:38] XavierThirtyTwo: now its terrible pop rock and hip hop
[16:38] XavierThirtyTwo: fronted by dreamy 17 year old boys that 14 year old girls go ga ga over
[16:38] XavierThirtyTwo: and pretentious emo/indie bands that angry 25 year old dudes can identify with
[16:39] XavierThirtyTwo: is sub culture
[16:44] XavierThirtyTwo: thats just how the music industry works
[16:44] XavierThirtyTwo: i can tell you exactly why too
[16:44] XavierThirtyTwo: new music comes out. regaurdless of what genre it fits it.
[16:44] XavierThirtyTwo: who buys the most music?
[16:44] XavierThirtyTwo: parents of teenagers
[16:45] XavierThirtyTwo: teenage boys tend to download music, or get it from friends
[16:45] XavierThirtyTwo: teenage girls go MOMMY MOMMY I WANT THE NEW BLACK EYED PEAS CD, PLEEEAAAAAASE
[16:45] XavierThirtyTwo: and mommy buys it
[16:45] XavierThirtyTwo: come the end of the fiscal quarter, who sold teh most albums?
[16:46] XavierThirtyTwo: whoever the 13 year old girl likes
[16:46] XavierThirtyTwo: as for subculture
[16:46] XavierThirtyTwo: its all defined by shows
[16:46] XavierThirtyTwo: and who goes to shows?
[16:46] XavierThirtyTwo: mid 20's duded and their friends, and their girlfriends
[16:46] XavierThirtyTwo: *dudes
[16:47] XavierThirtyTwo: anyone over the age of 20 doesnt buy CDs, they pirate.
[16:47] XavierThirtyTwo: anyone under the age of 20, doesnt go to shows
[16:47] Christpuncher 85: true
[16:47] XavierThirtyTwo: thats how it balances out

[16:50] XavierThirtyTwo: everything was better when you were 12
[16:50] XavierThirtyTwo: nothing gets better than when you were 20

left behind
a feeling that i've been abandoned
left behind
for something that i could never be
there's nothing left to say to you
did this ever hold any kind of importance
there's nothing left to say to you
what did you mean when you said this was existance
you're moving south and i will stay right here
rotting with the ones that care
moving on these shallow footprints
mark the grave of our friendship
i never thought this would be easy
but now we go our separate ways
goodbye

Life's greatest beauty exists only in one's mind.

Life's greatest tragedy is that one can never fully convey that beauty.

But that in and of itself is a saving grace, for to fully convey it is to strip it of it's unique beauty.

Yup, she's back.

And so's the other.

And the third.

And the fourth.

I'm fucking lost.

She's back.

Fuck.

Alachua.

It's of no consequence, this little game I play. Three knocks on the door of the afterlife and six steps from the edge of a New York skyscraper, the floor seems distant from where I sit. "Alachua" the man says, holding what looks to be the shattered pieces of a plate. To be gone, to be like the words of oldspeak, life persists. Like the damned getting a birthday cake, like a child getting a popsicle, each to his own. Each to his own. The air hangs deep here, dark, dank, the sun's barely breaching the horizon in Peru. Alachua is in the mix. The man takes another look at me, his eyes softening briefly as he passes me a piece of the broken dinnerware. A solid note, a solid moment, a perfect second, a glimpse into the eternity, and simply a phone number. In today's world of modern communication, can one really disconnect? Two more.

Two more and I'll be done.

Alachua rests, like leaves of a fallen tree, on cold dirt. It's like Lieutenant Kije is reaching his hand out from the sky.

ARE YOU:
1. obsessed with sex? not particularly
2. Are you tall? sure
4. In your pajamas?: have been all day
5. Left handed?: no

LAST:
1. Friend you saw: Alex
2. Person you talked to on the phone: Alex
3. Person to IM you: Tiffani
4. Was today better than yesterday: Nope
5. Person to do this survey? Nerissa

FAVORITE:
1. Number: 37
2. Season: Winter

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:
Q: What was the first thing you did this morning when you got up?:
A: Ate Cheetos and watched TV.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?:
A. Women.

Q: What's the last movie you watched in theaters?
A: Live Free or Die Hard

Q: Do you smile often?:
A: Yup.

Q: Do you wish upon stars?:
A: Sometimes.

Q: Where did you sleep last night?:
A: My couch.

Q: Why did you sleep there?:
A: Because I don't have a bed.

Q: When was the last time you cried?:
A: Week or two ago.

Q: What are you about to do?:
A: Eat.

Q: What do you hear right now?:
A: A fan.

Q: What's your favorite month?:
A: December.

Q: How many kids do you want/have?:
A: 2-3

TEN EMOTIONS
1. Are you missing someone right now?: Yup.
4. Are you bored?: Kinda.
5. Are you German?: Definitely.
6. Are you Irish?: Definitely.
7. Are you Asian?: Nope.
8. Are you Italian?: Nope.
9. Are your parents still married?: Yup.
10. Do you have a crush on someone right now?: A bit more.

TEN FACTS
1. Hometown: Hawthorne.
2. Natural hair color: Brown, White.
3. Height: 6'4"
4 Eye color: Blue
7. Lefty/righty: Right.
8. Favorite color[s]: Green.
10. Most important thing in the world: Time.

Rule #1: You can only say Yes or No
Rule #2: You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks

Q: Kissed someone on your top 8 on myspace?
A: Nope.

Q: Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
A: Yep.

Q: Been arrested?
A: Nope.

Q: Kissed someone you didn't like?
A: Yep.

Q: Slept in until 5 PM?
A: Yep.

Q: Held a snake?
A: Yep.

Q: Been suspended from school?
A: Yep.

Q: Been fired from a job?
A: Nope.

Q: Sang karaoke?
A: Yep.

Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
A: Yep.

Q: Laughed until you started crying?
A: Yep.

Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
A: Yep.

Q:Kissed in the rain?
A: Nope.

Q: Sang in the shower?
A. Yep.

Q: Sat on a roof top?
A: Yep.

Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
A: Yep.

Q: Broken a bone?
A: Yep.

Q: Shaved your head?
A: Yep.

Q: Blacked out from drugs?
A: Nope.

Q: Played a prank on someone?
A: Yep.

Q: Had a gym membership?
A: Nope.

Q: Felt like killing someone?
A: Yep.

Q: Made a girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
A: Yep.

Q: Cried over someone you loved?
A: Yep.

Q: Shot a BBgun?
A: Yep.

Q: Donated Blood?
A: Nope.

Q: Still love someone you shouldn't?
A: Yep.


L A S T S people you done something with:

1. You hung out with?
Loren.

2. Rode in a car with?
Jesus.

3. Went to the movies with?
Alex.

4. Went to the mall with?
Loren.

5. You talked on the phone with?
Loren.

6. Made you laugh?
Loren.

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R.

1. Be well known and poor or a nobody with lots of money?
Well known/poor.

2. Be serious or be funny?
Funny.

3. Drink whole or skim milk?
Skim.

4. Die in a fire or get shot?
Shot.

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?
Parents.

A N S W E R . T R U T H F U L L Y.

1. Do you like anyone?
Yep.

2. Sun or moon?
Sun.

3. Winter or Fall?
Winter.

4. left or right?
Right.

5. 10 acquaintances or two best friends?
Two best friends.

6. Sunny or rainy?
Rainy.

A B O U T . Y O U

1. What time is it?
12:34pm

2. First name?
Neil.

3. Where do you wanna live?
Severn Road.

4. How many kids do you want?
2.

5. Do you want to get married?
Yep.

6. Do you twirl your spagetti or cut it?
Cut.

7. Have you ever eaten spam?
Fuck yes.

8. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?
I can't count.

10. Do you cook?
Yep.

11. Current mood?
Energetic.

I N . T H E . L A S T . 48 H O U R S . H A V E . Y O U.

1. Kissed someone?
Nope.

2. Sang?
Yep.

3. Been hugged?
Yep.

4. Felt stupid?
Yep.

5. Missed someone?
Yep.

6. Danced Crazy?
Yep.

7. Ran Away?
Nope.

8. Gotten your hair cut?
Nope.

9. Cried?
Nope.

10. Lied?
Yep.

.S T U F F .

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yep.

2. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Someone else.

3. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yep.

4. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yep.

5. Who did you copy this from?
Shorti.

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss.....
was a long time ago.

2. I am listening to.....
Breaking Benjamin.

3. I talk...
far too much.

4. I love...
do I?

5. My best friend[s]...
piss me off.

6. My first kiss...
reminds me of a light switch. How I keep ending up with these horribly movie-like moments, I don't know.

8. I hate it when people ask....
too few questions.

9. Love is...
upsetting.

10. Marriage is...
see 9.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking...
damn, I have to pee.

12. I'll always...
have the same number of fingers, unless a gruesome baking accident occurs.

13. I have a secret crush.....
that knows.

14. The last time I cried was...
two hours ago when that dude with the blindfold gave a speech. But that was more like misty-eyed and not full on crying. Full on crying, about a month ago at a funeral.

15. My cell phone.....
is a begrudging lifeline.

16. When I wake up in the morning.....
I go back to sleep because I'm still tired.

17. Before I go to bed ....
I plug in my ipod and put on music.

18. Right now I am thinking about....
how cold my left elbow is and not the rest of me.

19. Babies are..
slow food for carnivores.

20. I get on myspace...
to check how my ladies are doin. And my bands.

21. Today.....
is today.

22. Tonight I will....
party like a mother fucker while two shirtless guys grope each other.

23. Tomorrow I will be....
recovering.

24. I really want it to be...
something more than a confusing pronoun.

ARE YOU:

1. A Cuddler?: yup.
2. A morning person?: when I can be forced awake, yup.
3. A perfectionist?: by heart, yes, by deed, no.
5. Religious?: sure.
6. In your pajamas?: nope.
7. Left handed?: only when I have to hold the mouse in the opposite hand.
8. Boyfriend?: nope.


LAST:

1. Friend you saw: Alex.
2. Person you talked to on the phone: Mom.
3. Message over MySpace: Bebe.
4. Thing you wore: Jeans, beard, sunglasses, biker gloves, smile.
5. Was today better than yesterday?: sure was. Biking is fun.

FAVORITE:

1. Number: 47.
2. Season: spring.


CURRENTLY:

1. chilly.
2. tired.


QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:

Q: What was the first thing you did this morning?
A: Called Alex.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
A: Sure. Wait, no. I scratched it.

Q: What's the last movie you watched?
A: Letters from Iwo Jima.

Q: Where is the last place you went?
A: Bathroom.

Q: Do you smile often?
A: Never.

Q: Last thing you laughed about?
A: I laugh far too often to remember.

Q: Do you wish upon stars?
A: Mermaids, genies, turkey bones, but not stars.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: No, I fucking hate people.

Q: Where did you wake up this morning?
A: On my floor.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: White, except where the woman threw popcorn at me. A bit yellower there.

Q: Do you have more girl friends than guy friends?
A: Tough call. About even, I'd say.

Q: When was the last time you cried?
A: You already asked.

Q: What was your last thought before going to sleep last night?
A: Ugh, I have to wake up tomorrow.

mandatory spaceholder to make it look like i posted today.

A great deal of me is perception. My own. I buffer myself from the outside world. I have long hair, I have a beard, I wear long sleeves or a jacket, I wear pants. I protect myself. Without these, I'm naked. With these, I feel tough enough to take on the weariness of life, the abuse of people. I keep them at a fair distance. My dress, my style, it's more of a physical shield for my emotions. I love walking around with just pants and bare feet. That's me in truth. When I was living in China, I realized it. I didn't give a fuck about the people, I was gonna be myself. So I walked around in sandals, shorts, and a t-shirt. I cut my hair short. I became the wonderful lovable American boyfriend. I was perfect. You couldn't get more perfect than me. I was open; talking to everyone and anyone, completely comfortable with myself to the point of almost a zen-like state. I went to temples and prayed, I made friends wherever I met. I ate anything I saw that was interesting, I was completely comfortable for the first time in my life. I had people that'd make me comfortable to not be right. It was fantastic. I come back here and I bundle myself against the world. Against these people I can't trust with me. I didn't need these defenses, I was happy with myself and had absolutely everything I could have ever wanted or needed. I come back here and I feel completely alone with all my friends and I see no beauty left in the world. I used to roll off the futon at god knows what hour in the morning and just watch the sun rise over Lai King, lighting up the harbor. I had a little dog that'd be absolutely insane when she saw me and responded to my voice. I had friends who enjoyed my humor and never mocked me for not knowing something. Now I live in a world filled with people who can't be corrected, who can't see past the little points for the bigger picture. Standing on the peak of Tsing Yi or Victoria, walking along Severn or Nathan Road, beauty existed everywhere. There was no need for clinging to one's beliefs. Everything moved just too fast to care. It just didn't matter. What mattered was the people, what you did with them, the things you experienced together. Be it meeting over dinner, taking a taxi to the beach at Sai Kung, people were just happy to be with people. Here, there's just such a disadvantage. Everyone has a personal agenda and must forward it. There, everyone's brutally honest. Be it insulting or complimentary. It was so free, so refreshing. I feel so alone, a free spirit here that has to make it's way in the doldrums of this city. Everyone's chained down with formalities and personal feelings and planning for their future, they can't just sit back and see the beauty. Everyone can't just let go and be free. Can't enjoy their own solitude. I lived for a month in a city that was so dense parts of it had 500,000 people per square mile. Solitude could not be found, and at times I found myself dying for it. Here, people fight so much against that solitude that they have, like they live in fear of finding who they themselves really are. It saddens me so much to see so many people caught in the trappings of life, having to party every night, needing some sort of crutch just to survive. Be it the internet, work, school, or even people, they can't take the break from the life they want to lead to take a look at the life they really have. People don't appreciate what they have, only what they want. People choose to ignore what's really important in their lives and focus strongly on what's wrong and what needs changing, not necessarily for the better. I don't need a pretty certificate, or an extensive resume, or a large bank account to know I'm worth something and I'm important. I have my memories, my stories, my thoughts, my dreams. In the end, everything you have can and will be taken away from you. So the trick is to beat the system. Who you are as a person affects every person around you. It could give inspiration, it could reduce a person. Ask yourself, when you're dead, will it really matter?

Damn, this introspective got preachy.

It's tough keeping my peace. On one hand, telling her what's wrong would be a pleasant release. On the other, it endlessly complicates things. I want to tell her that I need her to stop being mad at the other two for me. Not for them, fuck them. Me. Which, if said statement is mentioned, would be followed by the question of why. "Why" is almost a simple math formula, 1+1=2 and the such. Hence the unpleasant complications. How do you tell a girl that the mention of her marrying her boyfriend irritates you, or that you find her smile amazing while still managing to keep your zen? If it becomes public knowledge, I deal with far too much drama and too much hatred from her friends. It's easy enough to feign disinterest a majority of the time by involving myself with her boyfriend or her friends. I personally think it's completely obvious as damn near everyone knows. Hell, I spent a weekend with one of them and she already saw through my morbid and masochistic facade of friendship. As long as it isn't publically announced, then I don't have to deal with backlash. I don't need to lose her.

I can keep my mouth shut through all of this. I can. Not terribly hard, though it's a bit tough on me. Every touch, every smile, every laugh, every moment of eye contact is a constant reminder of what I don't have. Ditto for all of those instances directed at her boyfriend. Through all of this, I can keep my fucking mouth shut and just enjoy what little happiness I get from seeing her happy. But I need her to get over this goddamn situation. She may be avoiding them, but that also ends up as avoiding me. I can live without her, sure. I just can't live with her purposefully avoiding me, exacting some toll and punishing me for her own problems and the problems of others. I didn't do anything and I sure as hell feel like a goddamn pariah and martyr for the shit I'm put through.

When the fuck am I gonna catch a break?

Seriously, people wonder why I never have problems. I wonder it too. I guess I've just resigned myself to the job of the person who's constantly sane. Not necessarily because I want to, but because someone has to and I severely doubt (much to my personal dismay) that anyone would handle it. I'd like, just once, to be the fucked up one and have someone else meddling in my affairs. Is that so much to ask? So tired of being the one responsible for everything, the one who's accountable for everyone else's fuckups, the one who needs to convince everyone else they're stupid for thinking a certain way. I'd like to be wrong for once. Just once. And I'd like it to be my friend who's right.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go lie on my side for a week or two and die on the inside while every other person I've listed as a friend totally doesn't notice my depression due to an unbelievable selfishness.

I swear this world would cease to exist if I laid off for a week. God, I fucking miss China. I'd trade anything for that back.

I don't know how to handle it. It makes no sense. I'm having difficulty understanding women, go figure. The problem is I think it's making me apathetic. I've heard the saying "women are only good for the warm hole between their legs", and I'm almost beginning to believe it. As of this day, every female I know 24 years old or lower, is fucked in the head. There's some magic switch that instantly makes them grow up around 25 or so, maybe it's the calming thought that if they don't stop being fucking retards they'll end up alone with cats because no one can stand the insanity. Lord knows I still care about them all, but they're fucking dumb like 30% of the time. Logic completely fails them. Within the past month I've dealt with three separate cases of people not being able to realize almost all of their problems are based solely in their mind and they're actually causing problems with everyone else in an attempt to "solve" them. I can't reason with them, they just exclaim "you'd never understand my pain" or "it's my right" or some other silly bullshit thing.

You're right, I don't understand. Shut the fuck up unless it's directly causing a problem. You got dumped, get the fuck over it. Don't hate the next girl, don't cut yourself, plenty of other guys out there. Be happy you had a long relationship full of good times. Don't waste the rest of your life hating the dude, just let it go. Your best friend has a boyfriend that can penetrate the little bubble around her. Be happy for her and leave them the fuck alone, no matter what you feel. You'll end up losing your friend if you don't and frankly, you're being a total bitch. Don't kill their fun if you don't have a goddamn reason to short of some shit you made up in your head. I don't like them together either, but I know when to keep my goddamn mouth shut and to not hurt my friends. Seriously girl, I care the world about you. I just have no idea how to stop you from doing something that makes absolutely no sense to me. Complaints and opinions are fine, but nothing is gonna change now so you need to stop pushing yourself onto them before you permanently fuck it up.

I miss her, so much.

My woman's gone. She's completely ditched me as there's no reason for her to have disappeared for so long without word. She ain't mine. Now that I've had it, it hurts more to be on my own. One month, that's all I had. Can't say I'm not grateful, it was the best month of my life so far. I miss her. So much.

I'm trying to move on, there's another girl I do like, but she's taken. Turns out it looks like she likes me too. She's been one of my best friends for a year and a half now, and I've been patient. I swear this girl lives to give me grief. I don't have any stressors in my life except for this one. I wanted her a long time ago, she had broken up with her boyfriend and we had so much fun together. I think the only reason it worked so well was because I wasn't attracted to her. At the start I was just a lonely bastard who was tipped off that she was asking about me and I decided to see what was up. Turns out she's fantastic, although entirely insane. I tried to get her to like me for a while, but it was clear the ex still had her. Then, after months of pursuit, she fucked around with a stranger and got back with her boyfriend in a crazy flurry, completely ignoring the eligible me. But c'est la vie. Now it's gettin bad again, and it's clear she likes me back and there's even word of her boyfriend being pissed about her liking me. I'd love to have her, but her boyfriend's too good of a guy. Karma would ass fuck me if I stole her. So now I've got her being touchy feely with me, something I completely miss, and I can't reciprocate. It's painful. I doubt they'll break up anytime soon, as he's a great guy and she's crazy as hell, but crazy about him. So I'm stuck waiting. And waiting. It's fucking lame.

All this leads me to worry if there's anyone I'll ever fit with. It's the usual emo bullshit, because I don't fit with anyone. Sure, as of late I've experienced a great surge of energy and people love me. I'm fucking entertaining again and it's fantastic fun. I'm making friends all over the place and even changing some of the people that hated me into fans. A man can have a billion friends, and I've even got my boy who I love dearly because he's still there. But it isn't the same as a woman. I need a warm body, a smell, a smile. I had all that for a short while, it was so incredibly beautiful it makes me want to cry. But it's gone and now all I've got is a shitload of comrades and plenty of females going around creating drama out of their own minds. I don't have anyone I want to see. I feel so estranged. As close as I am to my friends and family, I remain an enigma to them in truth. Sure, plenty about me is clear. But I need someone who wants to know me for me. I don't need to be taken care of. I need a partner. Since I've lost the only one I really cared for, I've been alone. So damned alone, and I don't see an end to it anytime soon. It's like the world is comprised of mismatched females that lack the basic attractive qualities of logic, reason, intelligence, energy, creativity, caring, et al.

I have nothing to look forward to when I wake up.

Put your music player on shuffle
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.


1.) How am I feeling today?
Everwhere I Look - KillDashNine

2.) How will I feel getting married?
Daylight - Coldplay

3.) What is my best friend's theme song?
Klappe 1933, Szene "stolz Wie" - Louise Cyphre

4.) High school is?
Polarstern - Eisbrecher

5.) I am...
No Has Never Had 3 Letters - Kodan Armada

6.) How is today?
Roll Me Through The Gates of Hell - Erik Petersen

7.) What is in store for this week?
Sorrow - Bad Religion

8.) What song best describes my parents?
Learn Then Unlearn - Transistor Transistor

9.) How is my life going?
Paper Airplanes (Makeshift Wings) - AFI

10.) What song will they play at my funeral?
Faith Alone - Bad Religion

11.) How does the world see me?
The Boogie Monster - Gnarls Barkley

12.) My friends think...
Suck My Rottweiler's Ass - Wesley Willis

13) My life is lived...
Mise a Sac - Amanda Woodward

14.) This makes me happy...
Lizaveta - The Constantines

15.) What should I do with my life?
You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison - My Chemical Romance

16.) I will be happy when...
Gold Digger - Kanye West

17.) What is some good advice?
So Tonight I May See - Mazzy Star

18.) What do I think my current theme song is...
So Did We - Isis

19.) What does everyone else think my current theme song...
The Fall - Yaphet Kotto

20.) The type of men/women i like are...
Lonely Way - This Song Is A Mess But So Am I

21.) How will you feel on your wedding day?
Kiss Like A Miracle - The Saddest Landscape

22.) What should I do with my love life.
Reasons and Oblivion - Envy

23.) What will your neighborhood be like?
Sideways - Citizen Cope

24.) What will your dying words be?
I Wish I Could Do The Backstroke - Funeral Diner